‘6 Underground’ Takes Out Some Truly World-Class Evil

Super-Dumb, Occasionally Fun, and Very, Very Cynical

The Title: 6 Underground” is a late-‘90s Sneaker Pimps song. You’ve definitely heard it and probably think it’s called “Fallen from Grace.” It was popular when people thought trip hop was the best fuck music. The movie’s Wikipedia doesn’t say if the song is the movie’s actual namesake. It’s also not one of approximately 526 songs on the soundtrack of the movie.

The Warning: 6 Underground contains strobe effects that could be harmful to photosensitive viewers. They aren’t screwing around. This movie would probably kill The Butthole Surfers.

The Products: Less than two minutes into the movie, Ryan Reynolds fakes his own death in a Red Bull plane. It is not clear if he flies for the Red Bull team or owns/leases a Red Bull plane. He could own the plane since he’s a genius who made his billions with his expertise in magnets. Yes, really.

The Team: There’s Reynolds, AKA One. Post-fake death, he starts a geopolitical vigilante squad. There’s also a driver (Dave Franco), a “C.I.A. Spook” (Mélanie Laurent), doctor (Adria Arjona), hitman (Manuel Garcia-Ruffo), and a parkour guy (Ben Hardy). They’re all known only by numbers. It really bugs them, but One says it’s for security, even though they could just be, say, Steve or Zoe. Voila! Heist team à la Bay.

The Florentine Mission: In the first few minutes, at least five expensive sedans fly through the air into fruit carts, and that’s the restrained part. Apparently, the team has stolen a gangster’s eyeball to unlock a tyrant’s phone. At least I think so, according to a flashback to 14 minutes before the car chase you’re watching, itself a flashback. Confused? Shut your mouth. Halfway through this set piece they’ve destroyed half of Florence, drove through the Uffizi, been flipped off by nuns, performed surgery in a moving car, shot a dude in the mouth with a grenade launcher after a skateboard trick, and sent the parkour guy literally running down the side of the Duomo. That could sound awesome but if your brain is on for a minute or two, it’s more like a Tuscan 9/11. Insurance adjustors would be stressed out watching this. Human rights activists would be appalled.

 Approximately 205 songs play during this part of the movie, including a club remix of “O Fortuna.” There’s rampant product placement for Alpha Romeo and Captain Morgan.

An Audi blows up the Uffizi Gallery or something in ‘6 Underground’.

American Sniper 2: The Offer: Post-Florence, Reynolds recruits a sniper (Corey Hawkins). He’s introduced in kind of a reverse of the American Sniper teaser. Our sniper, Blaine (!), is certain of his target’s guilt but faceless bureaucrats prevent him from shooting. As a result, a fireball kills all of his buddies and maybe half of Afghanistan. It’s a big fireball that brings the kind of PTSD that takes at least two minutes of screen time to cure.

Reynolds lays down Bay’s Libertarian thesis in a shellshock-curing recruitment pitch, “You could take out some truly evil people. Not people that the government tells you are evil…I’m talking truly world-class, evil motherfuckers…And I will never tell you not to pull that trigger.”

The Present: 27 minutes in, and we are now in the present and about to hear the team’s mission. Welcome!

The Mission: Finally. Take out Turgistan’s truly evil dictator. Unnecessary flashbacks to each team member’s past life and recruitment will accompany this. Reynolds will repeat the team’s origin and mission at least 10,000 times. It’s like the rest of the script is mostly the movie’s elevator pitch.

The Rest: There’s a Vegas assassination plot, a Hong Kong abduction, and the Turgistan coup, complete with an upriser rushing the streets in a fit of freedom ecstasy wearing a the brightest green Sprite shirt I’ve ever seen. Many innocent people die. 6 Underground destroys roughly 500 cars and a luxury yacht. Fun shit happens with magnets. Is it dumb? Very. Is it fun? Occasionally, but in a very, very cynical way. Spoiler alert: Turgistan is free now. Put that in your government and smoke it.

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Jonpaul Henry Guinn

Jonpaul Henry Guinn is a freelance writer, former Geeks Who Drink Pub Quiz staff writer, "Jeopardy" also-ran, pub quiz host, and U.S. army veteran. He lives in Austin, Texas.

One thought on “‘6 Underground’ Takes Out Some Truly World-Class Evil

  • January 1, 2020 at 3:13 pm
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    I sorry to write about sir ( Mr. Michael bay )
    I respect you and i love your work and movies…
    I found a mistake that u found to edit properly in your movie 6 UNDERGROUND
    The car gets scratched by the truck at -2.03.03 the drivers mirror gets blown and that it stays as new after that … how could that be….
    Sir as i said your works are sculptures but this glitch can be seen so hence … this is a great movie but editing had some left overs in it to do with…..
    Please as a fan i ask u to check it before it gets seen and put forth….
    Sorry if hurt u….

    Reply

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