A Guilty-Pleasure Visit to ‘MILF Manor’

Remember when HBO wasn’t television? HBO was HBO, and they were above it all. Well, HBO isn’t HBO anymore. No one will confuse Max’s reality show, MILF Manor, with prestige television. Anyway, when I took a flyer and dove into MILF, I was probably inspired by 30 Rock’s fake reality show, MILF Island.

Or maybe I was thinking of Stifler’s mom.

Immediately, MILF – spoiler incoming – punks its participants. The MILFs will be living in a villa with their sons, and their sons will comprise the dating pool. Also, the MILFs will be rooming with their sons. Take a moment. Let that all marinate.

Personally, I’d run from this enterprise like it was Epstein’s Island.

But no one does. Apparently, everyone is down for an all-expense paid TV vacation. When they signed up for reality television, they knew the score. Embarrassment is just the cost of doing business.

MILF is not a complete catastrophe, but it makes FBoy Island, hosted by the hilarious Nikki Glaser, look like a masterpiece.  MILF has no Glaser or any host for that matter. When they show needs to deliver a message to the group, they text it to a participant, who reads it aloud. Perhaps MILF is host ess because they’re trying to be different. More likely, they’re saving dinero. Indeed, MILF’s budget is tight. There are no helicopter or even three-wheeler rides. However, there are a few paddleboard dates. Heck, MILF doesn’t even splurge for his and her spa massages. Instead, in one cringe-worthy segment of many, the participants play musical massage, my name. Blindfolded sons massage blindfolded moms, including their own. No music accompanies musical massage. However, some of the moms are quite, uh, vocal in their appreciation.

No, MILF is not for the prudish.

MILF has a few other ridiculous activities. Are the sons able to pick out their mother’s panties from a pile? In one inappropriate moment of many, a dude flosses with a skimpy pair. During a truth activity, a mom reveals that she had a fling with her son’s best friend. In the immediate aftermath, the affected son sulks and skinnydips in the pool for a few hours. Where else is he going to go?  He’s sharing a room with his mom. Eventually, he gets over it. MILF’s all-you-can-eat breakfast is probably too good to abandon.

Sure, MILF has its share of amusing moments, but it’s uneven and lacks direction. There’s no cash prize to shoot for. Couples do not have towalk down the aisle at the show’s conclusion, like in Love is Blind. There’s not even a stupid rose ceremony. Ultimately, MILF lacks urgency. I was able to get through nine episodes with relative ease because I was curious to see what maneuvers the MILF geniuses would come up with to keep the show going.

So… just a guess, you want to know if there are any fantasy suite shenanigans. Well, for starters, MILF has no fantasy suite. MILF has a glamping tent. As far as, uh, romance, the MILFs are much more aggressive than the cubs. I’d refer to the MILFs as cougars, but they’re more like barracudas. Charlene is arguably the most aggressive. She genuinely wants a man to put on his man pants and to man up with a get-the-job-done mentality.

Immediately after Charlene makes this plea, I imagine her with a man with a more laissez-faire approach. As Charlene makes herself available, this man blows bubbles and breaks out into a ballet performance. If you want to see if Charlene or any of the other barracudas fulfill, you’ll have to watch. I will not spoil, but will say that I found myself often rooting for the couples to not become physically entangled, particularly the couple with a nearly 40-year age gap. Joey is 20, but he looks like he just completed his Bar Mitzvah studies.

I’d be surprised if there’s a second season of MILF. There was no “reunion” special. Just like its participants, my guess is that Max is embarrassed. Indeed, MILF is the furthest thing from prestige television. But for many of us that are too lowbrow for White House Plumbers, that’s the fun.