Not The Avengers

It’s a big day for the MCU, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, for you non-True Believers. Avengers: Endgame marks the beginning of the end of Phase (checks notes) Three of the MCU. That means…well, who knows, because the next Spider-Man movie is, per Marvel Studios honcho Kevin Feige, the actual end of Phase Three.

But we also may see some of the MCU Phase Three, Two, and One characters in their own solo movies, or in other movies featuring other Phase Three, Two and One characters, or possibly on the new Disney+ streaming platform, like Hawkeye, who’s getting his own show.  So he probably survives the final fight against Thanos, unless he DOES die but there’s time travel involved, so maybe my theory that Dr. Strange used his ability to manipulate the Time Stone, you know, like he did when he fought Dormammu…Jesus, I’m a fan, but this is really exhausting.

Many of our old favorite Marvel movie heroes and villains may or may not be coming back after Endgame, or maybe the Spider-Man movie. But there will be more Marvel movies. The big question: who will fill the spaces left by our favorite heroes, villains, and that useless Bug Girl from the Guardians of The Galaxy movie, the one whose superpower was being sad? Here are 5 actual Marvel characters who will likely not be coming to a theater near you.

Leather Boy

 Yep, he’s exactly this:

Leather Boy, aka Gene Lorrene, has maybe the worst origin story of any superhero ever. Gene joined the Great Lakes Avengers (yes, they were also a thing) after answering a classified ad that he’d mistaken for an invitation to join an S & M club. When it became obvious that he had no superpowers, they asked him to leave. This pissed him off and inspired him to become a villain, thus making his Villain Origin Story the BEST origin story of any supervillain ever.

Hindsight Lad

Hindsight Lad, aka Carlton LaFroyge, was not superpowered, did not possess a suit of powered battle armor, wasn’t a great archer, and was not a highly trained SHIELD agent. No, Hindsight Lad’s ability was to point out tactical errors and their glaringly obvious solutions after the fact. Apparently no one thought to call him The Mansplainer.

The Almighty Dollar

Accountant J. Pennyington Pennypacker was blasted by a device that gave superpowers to its target. Pennypacker gained the ability to shoot pennies out of his hands. He went ahead and called himself The Almighty Dollar despite the fact that A) he shot pennies out of his hands and B) his last name was literally the best possible superhero name for him. I’m becoming more and more convinced that I could write comic books.

The Whizzer

 

I’ll go ahead and tell you his backstory. Robert Frank was injected with mongoose blood, thus giving him not-quite-super speed; he could reach speeds of 100 mph. The Whizzer actually teamed up with Captain America and Bucky, and…ok, yes, he’s a dude in a yellow costume who calls himself The Whizzer.

Starfox

 So Thanos has a brother. At least he does in the comics – Thanos’ bro is Eros of Titan, and while Comic Book Thanos is known for his obsession with Death, Eros is known for his love of Life. And as brother Thanos becomes a supervillain, Eros becomes the superhero Starfox, using his powers for good.

This all sounds great. You’re probably wondering why he hasn’t shown up in an Avengers movie yet. Well, his main power is, per Wikipedia, that he “can psionically stimulate the pleasure centers in nearby people’s brains, making them calm and open to suggestion using his persuasion skill.” Basically, he has the power to Roofie women, which he does. A lot. So much so that there was a story arc in which Starfox is accused of sexual assault – and his lawyer, Jennifer Walters (aka She-Hulk) finds out that he used his power on her, causing her to have sex with him. It’s all very gross.

SPECIAL BONUS TERRIBLE MARVEL CHARACTER: Original Ant-Man Hank Pym

Why was Scott Lang the Movie Ant-Man, and not Hank Pym? Let Hank Pym in Avengers Issue #213 show you:

Excelsior!