President Razzie

They announced the 2019 Razzie nominations earlier this week. As BFG’s resident Bad Film Reviewer, I was mostly happy. And a bit sad, for I was reminded that this year we lost a Hollywood legend, one who brought smiles and laughs to millions. This performer was the real star of Razzie favorite Gotti. Godspeed, John Travolta’s Hairpiece.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every year, a group of secular saints award The Golden Raspberry Awards  to the worst of Hollywood’s output. These films and the performances therein represent the cinematic equivalent of zoo monkeys who fling their feces at curious onlookers. There are rarely surprises when the nominees are announced–oh, hey Bruce Willis!–but this year, controversy reared its ugly, orange, combovered, compromised by Russian agents and quite possibly suffering from dementia and/or addiction to Adderall head in the form of one unlikely Worst Actor choice. Here are this year’s most notable nominees, along with my expert predictions on who will “win”.

WORST PICTURE

Robin Hood

Holmes and Watson

The Happytime Murders

Winchester

Gotti

I’m going to go with Gotti here; a truly great Bad Movie is a movie that aspires to be great.

Gotti’s director, The Guy Who Played “E” On HBO’s Entourage, really seemed to think that he was making the next Goodfellas. Bless his heart.

WORST DIRECTOR

Etan Cohen, Holmes and Watson

James Foley, Fifty Shades Freed

Brian Henson, The Happytime Murders

The Spierig Brothers, Winchester

The Guy Who Played “E” On HBO’s Entourage, Gotti

This is a slam-dunk. Exhibit A, which has it all: lurching, nausea-inducing handheld cam work, overacting AND underacting, with an almost lifelike performance from a wax figure of John Travolta. Congrats, Guy Who Played “E” On HBO’s Entourage!

WORST ACTOR

Johnny Depp (voice): Sherlock Gnomes

Will Ferrell: Holmes and Watson

John Travolta: Gotti

Bruce Willis: Death Wish

Donald J. Trump: Death of a Nation and Fahrenheit 11/9

I’ll predict he wins, but we need to discuss Trump’s inclusion here, specifically the “acting” part. He’s credited as playing “Himself” in both Dinesh d’Sousa’s film, which isn’t a film as much as it is the cinematic equivalents of the Russian Twitter bot farms that helped get Trump elected, and Michael Moore’s film, which isn’t a film as much as it is the cinematic equivalent of all of your liberal friends’ and relatives’ Occupy Democrats and Guardians of Democracy-stuffed Facebook pages.

If Trump is playing himself, is he actually acting? If Trump is acting, if he’s actually going full Method and pretending to be an amalgam of Benito Mussolini, Robin Leach and your dipshit racist cousin from Smallmidwesterntown, USA, but is in fact a benevolent Daniel Day-Lewis type who will soon retire and spend the rest of his days learning how to make shoes, then it’s quite a piece of work and he should have received an Oscar nod.

For the complete breakdown of this year’s Razzie noms, check out this video. It includes an ad for what will undoubtably be a front-runner for a 2020 Worst Picture award, Liam Neeson’s upcoming “Revenge of the Angry Snow Plow Man” or whatever the hell it’s called. I’ll probably have to review it. Shit.