The Cream of the Crap: ‘Evil Bong’

The stoner flick is one of the most enduring of movie genres with a new weed soaked franchise cropping up every ten years or so. From Up in Smoke to Half Baked to The Pineapple Express, these pictures typically feature a bunch of dopey potheads overcoming the odds in a bid to attain a righteous high.

In Evil Bong, polymath writer/director/producer Charles Band turns this expectation on its head with the buzzkill coming not from overzealous cops or duplicitous criminals but from a possessed, vaguely female bong of uncertain origin. Transporting its intoxicated victims to a netherworld populated by strippers with murderous tits, the haunted hookah grows more powerful with each victim claimed. But, like the shitty ditch weed you used to get from the burnout at your high school, this el cheapo movie has little effect or staying power, leaving the viewer with the vague sense that some time has passed and a mild case of the munchies.

Things kick off when goody two shoes Alistair answers an ad for a roommate. At said residence, the nervy, paranoid Larnell meets him, eagerly taking his cash and welcoming him in as the newest addition to the dank abode. Sharing the bombed out space is Jeff Spicolli-esque surfer dude Bachman and 80s jock douche Brett. While these archetypes seem to have little in common, they do share an enthusiasm for the sticky icky and that’s enough to get the good times rolling.

Putting Alistair’s rental payment to good use, they purchase a four-foot-high, secondhand bong, ignoring a cue from the pipe’s previous owner claiming  malevolent spirits possess the smoking accessory. Even more peculiar, Larnell notes that the chunky blue pipe looks like a chick “with tits and a vag.” Despite these warning signs, the trio–sans the teetotalling Alistair–are soon sparking up and flying high. But something wicked this way comes.

At night, the bong begins to glow and whisper strange tidings. When the seemingly bulletproof Bachman goes in for one more toke, it transports him off to an alternate reality with go-go dancers with giant fake boobs, menacing midgets and sundry bouncers. Lording over this mirror world is the evil bong herself who – in a bit of cringe worthy voice casting a la Audrey 2 in Little Shop of Horrors – lecherously goads Bachman into getting a lap dance from one of the ladies. For violating the #1 rule in all strip clubs – no touching! – the young stoner meets a most inglorious end at the hands (tits?) of one of the ladies of leisure.

Tripping over Bachman’s limp body the next morning, Alistair discovers that the bong has changed somehow and now looks even more feminine. But priorities being priorities, the remaining roomies decide to deal with the corpse later as skanky cheerleader Luann and her cute friend Janet are coming over for some fun and games. As Alistair and Brett prep the place for the ensuing party, the bong begins talking suggestively to Larnell, extolling him to chase the dragon one more time. Soon enough, he too travels to stripperville, where he becomes victim number two.

A bit slow to the punch, Alistair realizes that something is rotten in Denmark: Bachman is dead, Larnell is dead, Brett and Luann are comatose and the bong has grown ever more sultry. And, in a convenient bit of deus ex machina storytelling, the bong’s original owner Jimbo–played by a haggard Tommy Chong–shows up to fill in the gaps in the plotline.

Will Alistair be able to save his love interest from the clutches of the bong lady? Can Jimbo exorcize this dreadful weed demon by using high explosives? And what the hell is that creepy gingerbread man thing that keeps popping up at inopportune moments? It’s all a bit confusing and quite boring.

Most stoner films may not be highbrow cinema but they are generally funny. Evil Bong, however, falls flat in the laugh department…and the acting department…and the sound department. You get the picture. Where it does fly high is in the craptastic design/evolution of the bong from a passive hookah into an oddly beguiling nemesis.

If this really sounds like your cup of tea, you’re in luck because the producers of this schlock – knowing a money maker when they see it – have churned out a number of sequels including Evil Bong: 420, Evil Bong 666 and my favorite, Evil Bong 2: King Bong. Happy trails.