The Cream of the Crap: ‘Sgt. Kabukiman NPYD’

As the saying goes, not all heroes wear capes. This is most definitely the case in Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D, where the titular champion trades flying sushi for grappling hooks, deadly Japanese clogs for Batmobiles and bulletproof ceremonial fans for Batarangs. Released by Troma Entertainment–the same insane/brilliant minds behind such elegant trash as The Toxic Avenger and The Class of Nuke ‘Em High–this 1990 highly un-PC throwback is off the charts on the stupid meter but makes for a night of ridiculous fun that’s about as Asian as Panda Express.

Based loosely–in the truest sense of the word–on Giacomo Puccini’s famed opera Madame Butterfly, the flick takes place in not-yet Disneyfied, grimy 1990s New York. Crime is running wild in Gotham and The Evil One, a big bad evil guy who will herald the end times, is fated to arise. The only hope for humanity is the return of Kabukiman, a mythical figure with the fighting prowess, spirit and attire of a traditional Japanese dancer. But tragedy ensues as the anointed warrior in waiting is murdered before he can take on the Kabukiman mantle. In a bit of Kismet, those Edo-era powers accidentally pass on to to schlubby N.Y.P.D. officer Harry Griswold (Tromo regular Rick Gianasi).

Soon enough the befuddled cop finds himself transforming into the kimono-clad hero in spectacular fashion, first at the police station and then in Central Park where takes out a squad of baddies using a particular set of skills that would make Liam Neeson green with envy. With no control over his powers, –“I was depressed, I was confused and I was turning Japanese,” he quips–Griswold comes under the wing of the mysterious Lotus (Susan Byun, in full-on dragon lady/Mr. Miyagi mode). She schools him in the martial arts, the prophecy of The Evil One and the finer points of bedroom artistry.

At the same time, Trumpian billionaire Reginald Stuart (Bill Weeden and his massive eyebrows) is tightening his grip on the city’s underworld. With the help of Reverend Snipes (Larry Robinson), a transparent stand-in for notorious Nation of Islam agitator Reverend Louis Farrakhan, Stuart is turning up the drug trade and taking out anyone who stands in his way. It is he who is summoning The Evil One, a master stroke that will make him truly all powerful and untouchable. The only thing standing in his way is Sgt. Kabukiman.

Before the inevitable showdown, there’s an overly long sequence wherein Griswold tries to call upon his kabuki abilities but instead transforms into a party clown. I’m not sure why the filmmakers take this ill-advised narrative detour just when the flick gets cooking, but perhaps they’d tapped their special-effects budget. But I digress…the bad guys kidnap Lotus and it’s up to Griswold to harness his powers and save the day. The final battle, wherein Stuart morphs into The Evil One in a surprising bit of body horror, is one for the ages.

When you punch your ticket for a Troma film you know what you’re gonna get: a paper-thin storyline, dime store special effects, lotsa tits and gratuitous gore. On this score, Sgt. Kabukiman delivers in spades. It’s also a trip to see New York City in the before times when cell phones were as big as manhole covers and yellow cabs were the main form of conveyance. But a warning to those of a more sensitive nature: in this dumb-as-dirt flick (1) there’s a monkey named Toyota in a key role (2) they use ramen and sushi as combat weapons (3) Haikus fling about with more abandon than live/laugh/love signs at Bed, Bath and Beyond, when that store still existed. If this sounds like your cup of tea, get some takeout and gather together your idiot friends for an hour and 45 minutes of z-grade revelry.