Classes in Ceasefire Peace From Our Actors and Writers

Last week, two august bodies signed letters condemning Israel’s response to the terror attacks of October 7^th. One group of celebrity/history experts demanded a ceasefire, and a brave group of American Jewish writers/speaking to power truthers signed their own letter. Neither letter mentions Hamas–just the response of Israel to the attacks. If you find yourself confused as to why outwardly progressive and activist types have chosen to sympathize with the goals of Hamas, perhaps this course guide will explain it! The Classes for Ceasefire Peace are free, and you can use them toward your quest for university tenure.

Steve Coogan on fighting drug addiction: The world well knows Coogan for his benders, and he even has a habit of getting others on near-deadly benders (Owen Wilson and Courtney Love, if you forgot). Thankfully Coogan has been clean for years, and now with his new-found respect for the sober life, he will counsel Hamas on killing without the use of Captagon. Imagine a world where instead of using the Hezbollah-produced drug, Hamas can be nobly sober as they parasail, stab, and shoot teenagers at a peace concert.

Tilda Swinton on gender issues. At a weekend sex-segregated rally in London, members of the pro-Palestine group Hizb ur-Tahrir called for a global jihad against Jews and Israel. But they are so wrong! So wrong! Thanks to the efforts of Tilda Swinton, who declared that “to be fixed in any way makes me claustrophobic,” these rallies will now be open to all genders and binaries. Hamas will certainly appreciate this powerful insight into how to hold “Death to the Jews” marches in the future.

Tony Kushner on playwriting, opera, and screenwriting. Leave it to openly gay Kushner to find a way to get one of his plays produced on the Gaza Strip! While “Angels in America” might not find an audience with Hamas, Kushner was able to turn an act of terror into a thought-provoking look at the modern world of bold anti-Israel action. In 1985, Palestinian activists hijacked the cruise liner Achille Lauro. The hijackers took the Jewish passengers hostage, and then threw Leon Klinghoffer, wheelchair and all, into the Atlantic. Now you may think – that’s possibly the most barbaric act I’ve ever heard of. But thank you, Mr. Tony Kushner–it’s actually a totally morally gray area!!

If you question the idea of a Jewish state, or if you don’t like the current Israeli prime minister, you can safely toy with the idea of throwing handicapped people into the ocean and it would be worthy of an opera! Bonus class: if you want to write a screenplay about the 1972 murders of the Israeli wrestling team at the Olympic Village in Munich–make sure to make your Jewish characters very, very conflicted about their actions to track down the perpetrators. A terrorist’s aims and goals are quite clear and specific. But a Jewish government that responds to the aggression? Not so much.

V (who was Eve Ensler) on women’s rights in Gaza. V has stood so boldly against not just vowels and consonants, but to the entire evil empire of Israel. But according to this UN report, Hamas has some catching up to do on with the ladies. We simply cannot wait to hear how V explains to Hamas the importance of laws against rape (still legal in Gaza), honor crimes (still legal in Gaza) domestic violence (still legal in Gaza), and female genital mutilation (still legal in Gaza). Hamas also outlawed homosexuality with a 10-year prison sentence – but thanks to the bravery of V signing a letter against Israeli policies, Hamas is probably ready to reconsider. “Swingin’ Tilda” Swinton will certainly be pleased that polygamy is legal, even for minor girls, proving just how progressive Hamas can be!

Sam Heughan, star of Outlander, on becoming an amateur historian. Jews have lived in Israel for at least three thousand years; they built First Temple was built in 957 BCE. But Heughan, who travels Scotland and other countries in search of adventure for his show Men in Kilts, will do the math for you. Dinna fash — the Western Wall, the remains of Masada, the ancient Torah scrolls found by archaeologists are nothing but a pile of meaningless rocks and scraps. Thanks to Heughan, a Wiki-trained historian, we now know that the Palestinians are the original settlers and have every right to murder at will and not expect a response! Since Heughan takes particular issue with the lack of water, he will also explain why, as the trope goes, Israel sends Gaza waterpipes, and Hamas turns them into missiles. Don’t believe it? Here’s a few of the 12,000 waterpipe rockets I saw housed at the Sderot police station in 2011, but Heughan will tell us how Hamas has every right to rip up the water pipes – because they sent these over during a ceasefire!

All of the letter signers can offer one-on-one seminars into why they only march, sign, speak their truth, or protest when a land conflict involves Israel. For example, the forced imprisonment of one million Uyghur Muslims in China, the genocide of nearly the entire Yazidi population in Iraq, the ongoing war in Eritrea, or the gassing of the Kurds of Syria. Since they don’t involve Israel, these conflicts are not worthy of classes or marches, and any interest in them is simply virtue-signaling.

The above signers hope you will join in the autumn class on how to properly recycle the “kidnapped” posters that they rip down.