The Roastmitzvah of Tom Brady

If you haven’t heard already, former GOAT quarterback Tom Brady was roasted the other night on Netflix. Kevin Hart hosted the shenanigans, which included sets from a motley crew of comics, ex-jocks and actors. It was all very raunchy, rude – and extremely watchable with loads of laughs and cringing, usually both. It was way more interesting than any football game I’ve watched in a while. But be forewarned: sensitive ears should stay the F away.

For the uninformed, a roast is a get-together to make fun of someone – or anyone that happens to be there. For example, roast attendee-innocent bystander Chelsea Handler, took a Hart jab about her taste in black men.

I’ll ask before you do: why would Brady participate in such a tawdry activity? There must be an easier way to make it in showbiz, seriously. Do more Dunkin commercials with the Good Will Hunting team. Or even better, reboot the movie. If you prefer television, team up with former teammate Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski for a sitcom. Gronk is a natural.

Hart, the quarterback of the evening, made the night click. He’s just damn likable, even delivering insults. Simply, he turned the Kia Forum into an intimate club. Somewhat remarkably, he even managed to bring Patriots owner Robert Kraft and ex-Patriots coach Bill Belichick together for shots.

Fact: Brady doesn’t need roasts. Roast vet Jeff Ross lives for them. Ross made an Apollo Creed-worthy entrance. He was wheeled in on a float, dressed in a ridiculous football outfit, pretending to be OJ from hell. Ross is raunchy, and he put Gisele, Brady’s ex-wife, firmly in his crosshairs. Brady could live with some Gisele takedowns, but he almost pulled a Will Smith when Ross broached Robert Kraft’s massage episode. Brady promptly stepped to the dais and ordered Ross to shut the F up. (When former teammate Julian Edelman made an insensitive remark about Kraft’s funeral, Brady stayed seated.) Of all the comics, Nikki Glaser stood above the others, doing a hilarious impression of Gronk discussing cryptocurrency.

@theandrewschulz

The Tom Brady Roast was sensational. Honestly, I was shocked. Asking football players to read LIVE sounds like a recipe for disaster. But they brought the fucking house down. Everyone took part in the great American tradition of humbling our heroes. No one got sensitive. Everyone played ball. @Kevin Hart was masterful hosting and Nikki and Tony DEMOLISHED • Also Ben Affleck did something. Not sure what it was. But it was something. Genuinely an awesome night and an honor to be a part of. Go indulge on Netflix now. #roast #tombrady #tombradyroast #andrewschulz

♬ original sound – Andrew Schulz

And then there were the actors. Will Ferrell, showed up as his Ron Burgundy character. His off-beat performance was a wonderful break from the stampede of sometimes repetitive insults. No, I don’t want to hear another alleged Aaron Hernandez joke ever again. And there were so many Jew jokes that I sometimes thought I was camping in a green tent on a college campus waiting for my Grub Hub order. Ben Affleck was noticeably sober and way too serious. He seemed like he was preparing a soliloquy for an Air sequel. Kim Kardashian had some great zingers written for her. Unfortunately, she read them off the teleprompter as if she were a hostage.

The surprise of the night were the jocks. Minus a few fumbles, Drew Bledsoe, Randy Moss, Edelman, Gronk and Belichick performed like pro roasters.  Bledsoe, who Brady replaced, was wonderfully self-deprecating. Ditto Moss, who somehow managed to not win a ring with Brady. Besides the Kraft funeral reference, Edelman was solid, doing a passionate Belichick impression. Gronk, whose set was overwhelmingly gay heavy, displayed wonderful physicality. And Belichick, he never spoke this much at any of his post-game press conferences. He was hilarious, targeting Gronk’s broadcasting work.

Finally, the man of the night, Brady took the mic. His material was just fine, but funny is an uphill battle for this physical specimen. In short, he’s almost robotic, which is probably why he did the roast in the first place. He wanted to try and prove that he’s human.