Apes Together Weak

Royally bad storytelling makes Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes a regal bore. Why are people still monkeying around with this long-in-the-tooth counter-culture IP? The latest chapter, seven years after the last installment, purports to spin a mythic tale that distorts the memory of Caesar, star of the immediately previous three CGI primate spectacles who at this point has been dead for generations. Disney/Fox’s franchise-rekindling also feels a nagging need to feed a fanbase that reaches all the way back to the 1968 original—which means non-sequitur references, shout-outs and insider asides. Crying baby doll that goes “Mama,” anyone?

KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES ★★ (2/5 stars)
Directed by: Wes Ball
Written by: Josh Friedman
Starring: Owen Teague, Freya Allan, Kevin Durand, Peter Macon, William H. Macy
Running time: 145 mins

The end result is more of an epic-length VFX sizzle reel, a dazzling showcase for computer-generated, staggeringly lifelike primates in thrall to a comparatively lifeless story. Expect jaw-dropping visual eye candy that pays lip service to cruel dictators, corrupted philosophies, and constant reminders that humans created their own downfall, while the apes are well on their way to repeating the same mistakes. Also, brace for the series’ enduring racist tropes that dark-haired silverback gorillas are always the aggressors, the lighter-haired chimpanzees are adorable and creative, and the orangutans are wise peacenik elders.

 This version feels the most similar to the world-building of author Pierre Boulle’s original story, where civilized primates rule the earth and humans are stinky loinclothed simpletons living in the wild. Except, apparently, for one: Mae (Freya Allan), a seemingly meek and initially silent loner who keeps lurking around a bold but tender-hearted chimp scion named Noa (Owen Teague), whose father leads a clan devoted to training eagles. 

Mae wears form-fitting jeans fashionably torn in the front, along with a grungy knitted grey top; it’s an outfit right off the rack from Urban Outfitters. Do any apes comment on her weirdly tailored lifestyle? Of course not, let alone the fact that she seems to have an amazing skin moisturizing routine, a glowing complexion, and impressive wilderness hair stylings. They just keep commenting on her smell. “Potent,” smirks sagacious Raka (Peter Macon), who decides to call her Nova.  

The name is clearly a callback to Charlton Heston’s comely love interest in the first film. Noa asks him, why call her Nova? “We name them all Nova,” says Roka. “I don’t know why.” Ha-ha. Good zinger, filmmakers. Wait, what? You “name them all Nova”? How many have there been? And why wouldn’t you just call them Novas instead of Humans? Noa—yes, his name is one letter off from Nova, don’t ask me why—strangely calls humans “Echoes,” which is poetic but also a bit odd. Anyway, Mae is now Nova.

Noa is getting ready for an annual tribal initiation where apes of a certain age have to snatch an eagle egg from the wilderness and raise it as their own for training. This part of the film takes up the first 20 minutes or so. It’s quite gripping, full of death-defying leaps and plot-twist shell cracking. For a while, I felt like I was watching the most expensive, most nail-biting CGI-rendered short film about eggs I have ever seen.

 Then other apes show up and ruin everything. They’re belligerent, keep evoking Caesar’s name, and end up capturing and enslaving almost all of the Eagle clan, stealing them away except for Noa. The whole thing happens because (spoiler!) Mae accidentally crushes Noa’s hand-picked ovum. Told you the egg drama was high. 

It’s revealed that Noa’s clan lived a horse ride away from LAX–thanks, distinct architectural landmarks—which is where he meets Rika, who explains what books are and wears a hip medallion that indicates the Order of Caesar. To Rika, Caesar was a sort of Moses/Christ figure who preached “ape shall not kill ape” nonviolence. “Apes stronger together!” Rika cries later in the film while being whisked away down a violent river after a gorilla attack. So much for Rika.

 Noa, now kidnapped by the aggressive apes, ends up with a tribe overseen by a tyrannical bonobo named Proximus Caesar (Kevin Durand) down where San Diego used to be. He’s ensconced around an old human bunker on Coronado beach and is forcing the eagle clan into slave labor, in a so far failed attempt to pry open the human bunker and gain the technology and weapons inside. 

William H. Macy pops up as Trevathan, a smart, cultured, and well-dressed human who is helping Proximus Caesar for not discernable reason aside from survival. I guess we’re not supposed to worry about that title card at the beginning of the film that explains how a virus that turned the primates super-smart also turned all the humans mute and stupid. Because Trevathan and Mae/Nova are both clearly not those things. There’s a final-moment reveal at the end of the film that explains this nonsense, but it’s unsatisfying and raises more questions than it answers. Which is basically the best way to describe this tragic Kingdom.