Still Banging ‘Em Out

‘American Pie Presents: Girls’ Rules’

I remember exactly when and where I was when I first saw American Pie. Just kidding. But there are a lot of people who probably do. This iconic mega hit has spawned three sequels as well, as a series of much lesser-known productions, which are under the dubious umbrella American Pie Presents.

The latest, American Pie Presents: Girls’ Rules, is garnering some buzz or at least major viewership on Netflix. Be prepared: none of the outstanding cast from the original Pie appears. That’s a shame. No one will forget how Jason Biggs violated that pie or his awkward chats with the wonderful Eugene Levy. There’s no Natasha Lyonne deadpan or Alyson Hannigan band geek. But they’re not here. Girls’ Rules doesn’t even come up with a quick Tara Reid cameo.

However, Girls’ Rules does have a character named Stephanie Stifler, who has a “reputation for being the bang of the century.” The movie doesn’t specify Stephanie’s relationship to the original Stifler, who Sean William Scott unforgettably played, or Stifler’s Mom, who the movie aptly named Stifler’s Mom. This current Stifler incarnation is an odd one. She dons a dominatrix outfit as she blackmails the school principal and hurls a lacrosse ball at a guy she likes.

For Girls’ Rules, we’re back in the Midwest, supposedly. The lake keg party scene features a mountainous backdrop that doesn’t look at all like the heartland. Details. If you want to enjoy Girls’ Rules, don’t get hung up on ’em–or the plot. For about a third of the flick, four female high-school friends all wind up falling for this new dude, a band-camp veteran who wears a Plasmatics t-shirt. This guy looks almost as old as Dane Cook. Plasmatics dude happens to have a band camp friend, a wallflower named Emmett. If that name sounds familiar, it is. Legally Blonde had a similar character with the same name. No, Girls’ Rules doesn’t mind borrowing. In one of the closing sequences, it borrows from Say Anything and The Breakfast Club simultaneously.

Girls' Rules
‘American Pie Presents: Girls’ Rules”.

Against all odds, Girls’ Rules’ inspired cast of unknowns more than hold their own. The script, filled to the hilt with naughty banter and physical, uh, comedy, is not as strong. The largest female lead, addicted to mechanical devices for sexual satisfaction, is a major klutz. When she’s not falling on her face, sex devices are dropping out of her. There’s also a gag with a dental dam, which was not nearly strong enough to repeat.

No flick has craved an epic Finch toilet disaster more than this one.

If you’re expecting skin in Girls’ Rules, you’ll be frustrated. There’s none, except for some glimpses of bare midriff and half a butt cheek from an extra in the aforementioned lake scene. However, there’s lots of simulated, clothed sex, as well as gratuitous images of pies.  Girls’ Rules is forbidden fruit for the Bat Mitzvah set.

In the end, everyone gets some, and there’s a contrived appearance by a JFK-themed dildo. The movie also throws in a Ruth Bader Ginsburg mention, either too late or too soon, depending on your perspective. Sometimes, Girls’ Rules tries too hard and just flops. For whatever it’s worth, Girls’ Rules is better than the Fast Times table read, and it does succeed in making one nostalgic for the original Pie. What’s next for the Pie brain trust, who seem hellbent on squeezing every cent out of this once proud juggernaut? American Pie: Divorce? Yeah, why not.

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Jon Hart

Jon Hart is the author of Man versus Ball: One Ordinary Guy and His Extraordinary Sports Adventures. He holds the Citi Field record for hawking the most pretzels during a single game.

One thought on “Still Banging ‘Em Out

  • October 19, 2020 at 9:38 pm

    I mean “American Pie: Having Kids” would probably work better. One where they all are at different stages of parenthood, and then another a few years later where the kids are teens and the cycle starts all over again.


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