The Picks Of Destiny

The Oscars have endured endless controversy this season. The telecast will have no host, which is still probably better than being hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway. After outcry from the greatest living Hollywood director–Seth Rogen–they will televise the cinematography award. Unfortunately, there will be no dance number starring Snow White and Rob Lowe.

 

When we left our Oscar prediction panel, we predicted that some movies would win Oscars, and that others wouldn’t. Sunday’s awards will prove us correct. Let’s resume where stopped before, keeping in mind that Jason Avant, a moron who only knows what he reads in The New York Post, has only seen Black Panther.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Mahershala Ali, Green Book
Adam Driver, BlacKkKlansman
Sam Elliott, A Star Is Born
Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Sam Rockwell, Vice

Jason Avant–Sam Elliott appeared in two Marvel movies, Ghost Rider and the first Hulk movie. They recast his role–now William Hurt plays General “Thunderbolt” Ross, and now he, not Sam Elliott, gets to hang out with Black Panther and all of his friends. Sam Elliott deserves a sympathy Oscar for this.

Pablo Gallaga–Mahershala Ali will hopefully account for Green Book’s sole trophy of the night, otherwise we begin drawing up plans for a revolution.

Stephen Garrett–Richard E. Grant. Because Withnail and I and Spice World prove that this Swaziland-born Brit is a national fucking treasure.

Ayun Halliday–Adam Driver. His was the only nominated performance I saw, but I assure you I would have voted for him anyway, as I love everything about him, from his star turn in Paterson to his old-timey criminal face (and kudos to the Girls writer who thought to describe it that way).

Neal Pollack–I’m also going with Richard E. Grant, because I’m old and sentimental. My 30-years-ago-self would have loved seeing him get the Oscar.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams, Vice
Marina de Tavira, Roma
Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk
Emma Stone, The Favourite
Rachel Weisz, The Favourite

Jason Avant–Emma Stone played Peter Parker’s Girlfriend Who Was Not Mary Jane in the bad Spider-Man movies with Andrew Garfield. Sadly, her character did not survive to hang out with Black Panther. She too deserves a sympathy Oscar.

Pablo Gallaga–The dream is that they announce Rachel Weisz’s name, and Emma Stone runs up on stage and steals the Oscar. They spar back and forth with the wittiest of barbs until Rachel is able to wrest control of her statue away from the presumptuous maid.

Stephen Garrett–Amy Adams. This is her sixth nomination, in a category with two Oscar winners and two first-timers. Just give it to her, already!

Ayun Halliday–What’s all this about people not liking Emma Stone?  I applaud her for bringing an element of sardonic wit and cunning  to every role she plays…If only we could turn back time and recast every drab, underwritten young wife/girlfriend role with Emma Stone!

Neal Pollack–I give an award to Rachel Weisz every year in my mind. This year is no different.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

Incredibles 2
Isle of Dogs
Mirai
Ralph Breaks the Internet
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Jason Avant–Either of the superhero ones.

Pablo Gallaga–If Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse doesn’t win, we meet at midnight to begin the first steps of the revolution. I will be wearing a mask, but you will recognize my heart.

Stephen Garrett–Spider-Verse. Any movie with an interdimensional pig named Peter Porker has my vote.

Ayun Halliday–Isle Of Dogs. Spend a long weekend destroying your apartment in the service of a (barely) 2-minute stop motion animation and I feel certain you will agree.

Neal Pollack–Because I’m old and sentimental, I’ll also take the Spider-Mans movie. My 40-years-ago-self would have loved it if a Spider-Mans movie won the Oscar.

 

BEST DOCUMENTARY 

Free Solo
Hale County This Morning, This Evening
Minding the Gap
Of Fathers and Sons
RBG

Jason Avant–Free Solo deserves to win because it’s the only Best Documentary nominee that I saw.

Pablo Gallaga–I want Free Solo to win, simply because it sounds like an objective in a Star Wars video game.

Stephen Garrett–Free Solo. I’d like to see Michael Moore strap himself to a mountain and shoot this exquisitely harrowing portrait of a death-wish rock climber.

Ayun Halliday–I hang my head in shame as I confess that I have not seen a single nominated doc this year, I will choose RBG, in hope that the sisterhood will not revoke my membership.

Neal Pollack–I only saw Minding The Gap out of this group but I thought it was another weird Boys In Trouble movie, so I will go with Free Solo, which sounds very exciting.

BEST FOREIGN FILM 

Capernaum (Lebanon)
Cold War (Poland)
Never Look Away (Germany)
Roma (Mexico)
Shoplifters (Japan)

Jason Avant–Cold War, because it sounds like it too could be a Marvel movie: Captain America and Black Panther: Cold War. I’d watch the shit out of that.

Pablo Gallaga–If the academy wants to give us a break from all the Roma wins, you’ll see Cold War steal this one.

Stephen Garrett–Roma. I cannot wait to stop reading about this overpraised, overhyped, overwrought 800-lb Mexican gorilla.

Ayun Halliday–Capernaum. Tough going to be pitted against Roma, but fortunately, that film’s also nominated for Best Picture. It is also to Capernaum’s good that I have not yet gotten around to seeing Shoplifters, which I suspect I will love.

Neal Pollack–I think we can all agree that if this were a World Cup group, Germany would win, and Poland would almost certainly qualify for the Round of 16 as well. But this is the movies. Roma will take the Oscar and then we can all quit being artsy and watch the Spider-Mans again.